There are how to birth books, how to raise your sweet baby books, how to raise any pet, and if you are into any DIY a book is there for you, that will take you through the steps of any creative project you can dream. There are books on careers or how to find a career, what is anxiety and how to solve it, along with more drastic mental health dilemmas. Do you drink? Do drugs? Books for that. But death or grief. None. At least not what I need at this moment, a how to grieve. A how to not feel guilt. A how to focus on life when someone you loved is now gone. I am lost. My hubs, who was trying, told me my attitude was much worse when my grandparents passed. That entire catastrophic time period is not one that has stayed in my memory. Obviously, his. I was probably a bitch. Today I yelled at the pharmacist, a usual moment, as they are ridiculous. But this was a bit more than my usual tirade.

So, what is this process? How long does it last? Will it ever go away? Will my mind return, or is it gone forever? Those are the answers I need, as now I am just mad, not at my dad’s age, his health, his life, but at me, and the fact that I could not say goodbye. Every tiny mistake comes back in HD and this is a channel, with time I need to turn, so I can serve my family and my mom, who is in her own era of hospice care.

When my friends parents have passed, I send condolences. But now it has hit that while kind, it means nothing. It is just a social transaction that we follow because it makes us feel better, not for those in pain. Just us. So without a manual this is just another part of life that we muddle through with alot of patience and self-love, and in my world some extra yelling at my pharmacist, who always after ten years at this store, manages to mess things up.