Category: anxiety

I Fear Retirement

Posted on by Tracy Livingston M.Ed.

Spring Break brings me a sense of peace, quiet, and the organization and rotation of clothes (love a good closet), and silence. This brings me joy, a needed recharge, and since I am nearing the end of my career, it causes me great concern as to what’s in my future retirement plans. Long ago, in my fantasy phase, We would hop on a cruise and do the world. Yes, with the hubs. “We” would go from port to port in utter class and see the world. I priced that. Not happening. But a yearly big trip can be organized and afforded. Yes, it can. One trip a year. Just one. A cruise maybe two, Denmark, Ireland, Fiji, Australia, Philippines, Japan, Germany. Italy, and a revisit to France and England. I love to go see, go explore, and go experience other cultures. So does the hubs, he just does not like the planning or spending. But we deserve a yearly exploration. Well, that is two weeks out of the year including packing. Now what. Truly, I draw a blank. Golf? Bad back. But I do like the fact that it takes all day. Again, bad back. Not an option. Besides, had a tantrum on a course with the hubs and picked up the ball, clubs, and chucked them. They did not go far. But it felt good. We went home, clubs in tow. My hubs won’t golf with me anymore.

Volunteering. Possible but when I cross the finish line of teaching, my giving myself for free, is over. But it’s not out of my possible options. Not sure who wants a retired teacher but someone might, or in reality, I might need them more. The fear of boredom is quite real and with golf out, traveling limited, grocery shopping with my husband out, way out. Have you seen those cute couples who banter about what cut of beef they want and actually enjoy the grocery experience? We are not them.

We are building a dream home up north and have another down south. Very south. Will we spend time there? Yes. But both places are in gorgeous areas with an abundance of quiet. I like a balance. Less and less as the years go on, but purpose and a little noise in life is needed. Teach online? Get my restorative yoga certification, open a Montessori school or a yoga studio in Neebish Island? Just continue my essays and complete the book? Or just waking up everyday to a new adventure and let the day unfold…Nah. structure is needed. Heck, I even ask to go to the bathroom and always will, so while retirement scares me the options are amazing.

Peter Pan Meets Reality

Posted on by Tracy Livingston M.Ed.
Photo by Thirdman on Pexels.com

It happens. I try to play it off or completely ignore big life issues. To me my world is about teaching and the great stuff about family. End of conversation. The rest interferes with my obvious brilliance, after twenty years in the classroom, my Peter Pan existence as a parent, grandparent, and even as a spouse. In essence I ignore reality. I am fine with this existence, but others feel I am ignoring their needs. No, I do my research, prayer, and check off all the boxes of care, and make sure Amazon visits with all the needs. I just don’t want to talk about it, ever as I end up with my strong combination of Irish/Jewish guilt down serious rabbit holes that put me one step away from a white jacket. Yes, the kind you cannot get out of…ever. I care, love, and worry but on my terms. My hubs is having surgery, now the C word is gone, but is it? It never is at Mayo, so he wanted to have me read the novels the clinic sent him home with along with the massive directions for the day. No one needed this. I needed a drink afterwards and had nightmares for nights and three new wrinkles. Reading the preview was too much for me, but he needed this for him. I told him I would have asked every question from the doctor, you bet, but this reading meant something to him, not to my panic and worry, but to him. So, out of love I read. Drank, and read over again. I worry differently. Obviously, packing a flask to the hospital, just in case. But I worry. Intensively, in a happy way. Most will never see my constant worry. We all have our moments, and our concern comes out differently. My thoughts are hidden, only I can tap-in as needed. I sometimes outright avoid everything, but they are there and felt, as that is part of humanity. However, on any given day let me just be happy, play the role of Peter Pan, and give away the gift that was given to me, the ability to entertain at any level at any given moment. I am more of a cocktail party kind of gal. Not the big stuff. But to my Senator. We got this! You will find me entertaining the Mayo Staff or a stray child, as that is my coping strategy, but always worrying.

This Thing Called Life…

Posted on by Tracy Livingston M.Ed.

My days recently go from thinking of island life to going back to work. Now, I teach, so I have a few weeks of torture left. My mom has entered hospice. While that no longer brings me to a new level of panic, it does bring to light on what she can no longer accomplish that she once did with ease. Enter panic and the reality that our time is finite. This mixed with my recent back recovery and a few extra non-needed pounds. I am a mess who wants nothing more than to not be someone’s burden when there is more life to lead.

So while I have undergone weight gain and loss in my life. My consistent yo-yo has never been for any other reason than vanity and on the flip side, my love of food. Today is different I am now taking the time to read labels, give up salt, sugar, and the bad carbs. I am a new leafy eater with a side of protein. Right now I am cooking chicken and turkey to freeze for later in the coming weeks. I think they call this food prepping. I call this a forced chance to write. My goal is twenty pounds but I would be great with fifteen, as it might be enough to release the extra burden of stressors, I now feel truly caring for a parent who cannot take care of themselves.

The weight is heavy and mixed with everyday life almost too much as everything is out of my control. So I am going to learn to cook, meal prep, eat well for the first time in my life. I can control that. My exercise will be daily walking at 5:30 am to set me up for a successful school year, and I can control (not enjoy) those early hours. I will mix in meditation and restorative yoga as I heal and focus on our relationship as mother/daughter and probably write and focus on my grandson. It helps. Alot.

I am sure my next few or more blogs will be about my Miss Brenda. Of course liberties will be taken as that’s what I do. Take a story and try to see the lighter side of this thing called life. Follow along.

I Have a Title

Posted on by Tracy Livingston M.Ed.

The book which I wrote, then lost and now found, and currently stares at me every day, now has a title. It always had a direction. My writing is a bit like my anxiety driven mind. On some days, I feel I can create a children’s book, but then I wake up and realize I cannot write about a woke unicorn. Nope, but a Neebish Island children’s book is a must. Need an artist or maybe my photographer in the family, will lend me his talents. My writing for children will sound old-fashioned, and while the book will sit on shelves, with the other woke less books. It will be sold out on the island. A summer to do! I actually do have an outline. Just not sharing. But not my first to do. Nope.

I thought about writing a fitness, cooking, self-help, or a how to do anything book. I think not. Not fit, can’t cook, and my help would just result in headshaking and confusion. As I have dabbled in many of the serious topics and mastered none, can I teach that? Again, I think not.

Politics. Nope. Nope. Nope. I have too much respect for those who give of their lives to move the needle of change. But I might share a few fun facts I learned from the political road I traveled. Still no tah-dah moment. No title, no main idea, no nothing or is this everything. Perhaps. Nope.

School. Nope. Overdone.

So, I am going with the book I already wrote, and now found on real paper. An amazement. It is my memoir that goes down my rabbit hole of life. I have been down an interesting road of addictions, multiple family divorces, and living with a quiet disease. Again, fascinating stuff that will be written to give others a laugh during a time they might feel that their life is breaking while struggling with their own life and the deck of cards they have been dealt. We need to know how others survive and learn to have a sense of humor about our lives.

So, while not back to the drawing board. I have to go back through the book. This will hurt. So, if you buy the end product, I will let you know when it is out on Kindle. Believe me, I will probably buy my own ads all over social media but please note, I am suffering for the content. Writers should suffer. Right? But for my future two or three readers, it is worth it. I am retaking a trip through a collection of stories, all real, with some occasional embellishments, for entertainment. It is my real life sprinkled with stories that force us to see the wonder and humor in the bizarre situations that I have called “This thing called life.” That is the title and the perfect direction for my first book, Neebish will be second.

I love the fact that it is no longer untitled. Projected completion Summer 2023!