The End of the End

This last week, I have been grumpy. One could blame the early hours, with our new pups. Nope, they are saving me by forcing a couple of miles in the wee hours of the morning, without coffee. All healthy and a true distraction from my grumpy self. I know I used grumpy twice, now three times. But it is my blog so grumpy, grumpy, grumpy.

I hate feeling off without reason. Menopause is a big umbrella excuse but often a cop-out, even though I fight the symptoms. This was a different feeling and one I have not had in a while. As a teacher, we do not miss the group we teach with weepy passion every school year, as one may wish we do. We don’t. I have danced a year or two (after dismissal) and have witnessed a variety of celebratory moves from others during my twenty-eight years. Not this year.

I rolled up with this class and with all their moments, I would do it again. This is the group that comes along every lifetime that is mixed together with societal oddness and obviously full moons, that needs to be separated from each other but individually they are amazing. This group is needy. They will be forever until they see the light. Currently, they are in complete darkness with tremendous academic growth to brag a bit about. They need love and patience and teachers with passion. Most of all patience. But as they rise through the grades, the patience falters as students should be peeking into the light and keeping up with expectations. I worry.

The end of the end of this fabulous ride is in thirteen days. I will be grumpy. Yes, that word. Until I know how to say goodbye. Right now it just hurts.

Falling Off The Ladder of Classroom Life

I have tried to climb out of education witin the classroom setting, only to be brought back into my four walls, time and time again. I am bored. Not of kids or teaching, but the daily work. I need more. I have tried to leave to give my mind a boost, and the needed new chapter but always end up walking back into the reality of the classroom feeling labeled as just a teacher. Perhaps, I raised my hand in the interview or tied someones shoes. I do both without much thought. Don’t get me started on walking to the right. Don’t.

Obviously, when you apply for an underlying job in an agency that most of the state was cheering for you to win the lead position, there are problems. I can do any position with my hands tied around my back and eyes closed. As a teacher, I have seen it all, and understand far too much, none of which, I need in my current daily work position. The lowest yet highest level of education is where I currently reside, classroom teacher. Most of my desire to leave comes from the cocktail party circuit, “Wow, you are still in the classroom! You are a saint…yadda, yadda, yadda.” Or my favorite line. “No firm has snapped you up yet?” After an inner eye roll, as most are just uninformed and out of touch. They truly see me in their world. But I am more, just in mine. I usually joke that tying shoes and opening juice boxes is not in high demand. All giggle and we move on to world peace.

This last attempt at leaping out of my box, hurt. Now, while I am still in the running for a very long title, that I will not turn down, I have made peace that my higher-power is pointing me back to my 7th grade room, without proper air, and far too many kids. While I sweat, all day long, even with two tower fans, courtesy of one of my minimal checks. I just refer to them as beads of love. My kids do bring me joy. Normal adults cannot relate. I light up at their silliness, their attempts at jokes, and their love for me, on any given day. As this is March, I am seeing the fruits of countless weeks of repetitive directions and lessons and reteaching on a consistent loop. While not quite ready for 8th, they are almost there, and that of course is my goal.

So, while I hate to lose, and I might have…the question in my mind remains, did I not really win?